Visit England? Surely not..

I’m sure most of you couch potato’s have seen the “Visit England” advertising campaigns that are currently plaguing our TV screens at the moment - I’m actually amazed there’s parts of Britain left that hasn’t been scathed by Gordon Browns filthy hands lol! I wonder if you’d ever open up a travel brochure and see the facts painted out as colourfully as this…

Located in Western Europe, The United Kingdom is home to an increasingly large number of obese and poor-health ridden citizenry who are lured by the lack of employment prospects, the relatively affordable cost of living at the taxpayer’s expense, the highest standards of teenage pregnancy in Europe and its truly unmissable happy slapping*, foul-mouthed teen culture.

On the positive side of things, Britain has absolutely nothing going for it, which is probably why 8.3% of its population is made up of ‘international*’ citizens. For one thing, the cost of living in this diabolical country couldn’t be cheaper if your name is “Kezza” or “Kade”, you drink 6 pints of cider a day, smoke like a chimney and your knuckles scrape across the floor for fear of removing your precious “bling*”. Also, the cost of dining out, public transport, clothing and entertainment will leave your bank account so full of moths that even their pockets are filled with moths themselves! All adding up to make living in Britain a whole barrel of fun!!

On the negative side of the affordability in England today, the real question is how will you afford such a lavish home if you’re all too busy spending all your hard-claimed cash down the local doghole*? But you hadn’t need worry for long, the council are always one application form away from a 6-bedroom house in some of the most deprived areas on offer, and despite the local property market being on the brink of an extremely catastrophic crash, there is always housing available to squat out in whilst it’s owners are away on their holidays.

A big plus of such luxurious living is the standard and availability of Britain’s educational and medical facilities. There are segregated schools catering for even the most stubborn of faiths, ranging from Catholic, Christian and Muslim, and even Scientology. Not only to they have the poorest leaving grades in Europe, but a majority of their female attendees tend to drop out before the age of 13 to raise a family, what prospects! On the healthcare front, Britain’s hospitals leap at the chance to greet you with MRSA and C.Diff before you even reach its doors! As well as such generosity, its doctors will diagnose you in barely 3 words of it’s native language, English, and it’s nurses will be more worried about how they’re going to afford to feed their fledging young families then your due course of treatments. Of course there is a downside as there is with everything, it’s all absolutely free!

If you’re thinking of moving to British shores, be sure you don’t mention health insurance for the entire family or benefits towards education for your children, you’ll have plenty of chances to sponge off the national state when the due time arrives! Make sure you be kind to any taxpayer’s you may greet upon arriving, they might be slightly bitter that you get better freebies from their homeland then they do!!

If you’re looking for the dullest place on earth live in, then England is most certainly perfect for you! Its cities have everything as humanly far away from the city centres as possible! If you fancy the short journey, you can visit a host of burnt out factories, graffiti-strewn bus shelters, company employees having fits of passion behind their workplaces, not-so-leisurable centres, dogging exhibitions, teenagers recording their next Youtube extraordinaire, dug up parks and closed down shopping centres. It’s merely impossible to run out of things to do in Britain! But if you really get stuck for ideas, the local prisons are said to be as good as the Hilton chain of hotels, so lap up the luxury!!

The final advantage of living in Britain is definitely its climate – it can be incredibly wet and miserable making for perfect beachside holidays and there’s always snow available for snow-man making escapades in the springtime. As one of the laziest countries attached to Europe, British citizens also tend to have an incredibly tolerant attitude towards both Politics and the issues of Global Warming, often opting to stay at home and abuse their pets and children. Britain also has an incredibly high volume of youth gangs who often dominate the local tabloids, which can become quite pride-filling after sometime. We recommend buying these papers as often as possible and decorating your newly acquired council homes with them!

If you’re still considering living in Britain, why not visit the country for a few weeks; get to know the suburbs in numerous unlawful ways, then perhaps spend some time with our local Police Forces to get a real feel for life outside of employment! You won’t forget a wasted second of your life here in Britain!